


the gift I never had

by wombathos



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Introspection, Kylo Ren Redemption, M/M, POV Finn (Star Wars), Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Pre-Slash, feels an odd time to be writing technically canonical fic so close to tros but here we are, like really really pre, post redemption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:20:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21640825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wombathos/pseuds/wombathos
Summary: Kylo might have changed sides, but that doesn’t mean Finn wants to have anything to do with him.
Relationships: Finn & Kylo Ren, Finn/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Finn/Kylo Ren
Comments: 3
Kudos: 74





	the gift I never had

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt "Kylo Ren buying Finn something unrequested because it made Kylo Ren think of them", which I got from this nifty [OTP prompt generator](https://prompts.neocities.org/) , but since I kind of had to get to the point of ‘giving a gift’ first it’s mostly just a lot of talking.
> 
> I’m on tumblr at [@wombathos](https://wombathos.tumblr.com/) and very very newly [ on twitter under the same username](https://twitter.com/wombathos) , would love to scream about Star Wars.

It had been three months since Kylo Ren had turned. Three months of him working with the Resistance to dismantle what was left of the First Order.

It was going to take Finn a lot longer than three months to make his peace with it.

Among the rank and file of the Resistance it was an open secret that the whole thing had been a bit of a hard sell for Finn, not that anyone had consulted him. And whatever he might say over a pint of trandoshan ale when the pilots got him talking, it wasn’t like Finn _necessarily_ disagreed with letting Kylo Ren help: it made sense if they wanted to get rid of the First Order for good. _A new start_ , they had said. _We need to do it differently_.

They were right. That didn’t mean _Finn_ wanted to talk to him.

Ever.

And for the most part, he had done his best to avoid his former boss. Which shouldn’t be too hard: Finn had his own duties - serious Resistance officer and all that - and Kylo was usually flooded with bureaucracy or dealing with some mystical Force thing. Mystical Force things were Rey’s problem. _Kylo_ was Rey’s problem, who seemed somewhat more willing to put up with his… everything than Finn could ever be. More able to look past his whole ‘repeatedly trying to kill the two of them’ thing.

Finn missed working more closely with Rey. Sometimes it felt like he was drifting through the Resistance, having grown far beyond his janitorial duties but still not quite existing in the Resistance’s regular command structure, both a part of and apart from his comrades. It worked when he just helped Rey with whatever she was up to. Or when he was helping Rose. But a week ago, he’d been assigned to a different base for nebulous reasons and since then… nothing.

Finn had been growing bored. All things considered, that might have been better than the alternative.

He was walking along the corridor, minding his own business, thoughts wandering along their usual well-trodden paths, before alighting on a realisation more important than whatever he’d just been thinking about: he was getting rather hungry. Well, he’d be free soon enough. He nodded at a passing mechanic who seemed vaguely familiar, possibly from one of Poe’s game nights. Where was Poe at the moment, anyway? Finn had last gotten a transmission when he was still at the other base and Poe was…. on Kashykk? Or was it Trandosha? Or…

Finn turned the corner, and it was there that someone stood, lurked rather. Resistance corridors weren’t known for being places of quiet communion, but it was hardly anything to earn further attention. Finn made to step aside. His gaze almost passed the figure, who looked distinctly ordinary.

And froze. Then almost ran.

The figure _looked_ he fit in with the Resistance, no longer in anything even remotely resembling First Order uniform. And Finn wished he could’ve just walked past, like there was nothing to see, like there was no danger at all, and yet -

Finn met Kylo Ren’s gaze, standing way too close and way too real, and seeming very much like he had been _waiting_ for Finn. It was all he could do to stop himself from turning and just running, even as he steeled himself. It was just the suddenness that was taking him aback, nothing else. He refused to be intimidated by this - this man who had ditched his usual black attire and -

Kylo broke the silence. “We need to talk.”

Finn stared back at him. “What?” was the first thing that came out of his mouth. Closely followed by, “What are you doing here?”

Kylo’s cold emotionless eyes bored down on him, not quite fitting in with the eyebrows, which were knitted in a tight frown. Maybe Finn was just imagining the eyes being emotionless thing. He needed to calm down, now. “I’m here to speak to you.”

“Oh,” said Finn, intelligently. “Why?”

“It’s about the stormtroopers.”

“What about them?”

A pause. Three Resistance bombers passed and side-eyed them, probably just for taking up precious corridor space. “We should talk somewhere more private.” Finn immediately blanched and Kylo hastily added - “In one of the conference rooms.”

“Why should I be talking to you at all?” asked Finn, hoping the answer would give him some easy route of escape, and really hoping Kylo wouldn’t say -

“General Organa ordered me to.”

\- that.

“I wasn’t told.”

Kylo sniffed. “I wasn’t aware the general had to run her orders by you first.”

“Kind of, if they’re concerning me. Otherwise the orders become hard to follow.” It was times like these when Finn remembered General Organa was, in fact, Kylo Ren’s mother, which just made it all exponentially more awkward and terrible.

“If you need a direct order to have a conversation…” Kylo trailed off and raised an eyebrow, as if challenging him to call Leia or do something else to prove what Kylo was saying. Which was probably pointless, and if Kylo were telling the truth would be incredibly humiliating. The last thing Finn wanted people to think was that he was too scared to handle Kylo kriffing Ren, and he also didn’t want anyone to think he was questioning orders. Well, questioning them too much, anyway - he needed to keep the balance right so that he didn’t get shuffled off as _brainwashed stormtrooper_ either.

And the sad fact of the matter was that Kylo didn’t have any good reasons that Finn could think of for lying to him. He didn’t seem to be thrilled to be talking to Finn, for starters. Of course this could all be some sort of elaborate trap to achieve… something? certainly a nefarious end, that somehow involved Finn following him… to a conference room…

His brain had run out of excuses and he was very angry at it.

“All right,” said Finn, making his voice as annoyed and dismissive as he could. “Got any conference room in particular in mind?”

Kylo stared at him. Even his gaze on Finn was unsettling and reminded him of way too much stuff and made him really look forward to the evening when all this insanity was over and he could comm Rose and tell her of the murderous madman who’d wanted a chat. “Follow me,” said Kylo, far, far too imperiously for Finn’s liking and turned to walk down the corridor.

Finn very nearly didn’t.

He sighed. There was no helping it now.

Predictably, Finn had to hurry to catch up to Kylo, which led to a lot of fast shuffling steps because like hells was he going to jog. Wasn’t about to walk behind him either. Eventually, they walked side by side insofar as the corridor permitted, Finn trying not to be awkward, or walk weirdly, as he felt far too aware of the man walking next to him, who he had done his utmost best to avoid and _certainly_ had not talked to without others present. Without _Rey_ present, usually, who if worst came to worst could always throw Kylo against a wall. Finn’s mind seemed determined to replay the confrontation in the forest as his feet carried him forwards, and he wondered whether this was all some sort of trap. Not that Kylo couldn’t kill him easily enough, and in far more convenient ways.

Wow. Comforting thought, that.

Both of them paused in front of the door, waiting for the other to take the lead. Just as Finn stepped forward, Kylo did the same, but managed to stop himself with a Jedi’s sharp reflexes to avoid them from colliding into each other, allowing Finn to step into the room first. It was a drab conference room, which really didn’t look much different from a First Order conference room. A little rougher around the edges, plus the Resistance did believe in a little more variety in their colouring scheme. Finn could probably clean it without much trouble, if the Resistance did ever order him to resume his janitorial duties. Maybe that was what Kylo wanted to tell him. Give him some speech about how he was never going to be more than a stormtrooper.

Finn turned to face the enemy.

And there was Kylo Ren, standing in front of him. Both of them in a room together. Alone. It was odd, seeing him like this, seeing him blend into the Resistance surroundings to an extent he had no right to. Finn finally had the chance to properly look at all of him without being too obvious about it, and his gaze skirted down and up again. All the black had been replaced by a beige tunic, dark brown trousers with a holster at the belt, and a vest. It made him look smaller, even though of course he was anything but, and exposed his hulking frame. It also looked… well, it looked not entirely unlike what Han had worn for the brief time Finn had known him, before Kylo Ren had stuck a lightsaber through his chest and had thrown him into the void. The ensemble looked odd on him, and by the way Kylo now folded his arms Finn doubted he was entirely comfortable with them either.

With arms remaining firmly folded, Kylo stared at him as if waiting for him to speak. Putting aside the clothes, it was odd to see Kylo… not glaring or screaming at him or studying him like he was looking forward to dissecting him. He wasn’t really looking at Finn with any expression in particular, except maybe a vague melancholy. Which, if anything, made all of this worse.

“What do you want?” asked Finn, the words slipping out without conscious intent, but they did have the advantage of being nice and direct. Also they made it sound like he was very much not scared, which was what he was going for.

“The Resistance is looking into strategies for how to handle the issue of stormtroopers.”

The whole phrase looked like Kylo had memorised it. He was now looking expectantly at Finn, like that cleared everything up.

“And?”

Kylo blinked a few times, seeming very nearly disconcerted. “The remaining First Order units now consist of breakaway factions, which don’t directly answer to my command anymore, but have managed to command the loyalty of sizeable factions of stormtroopers, which are -”

“I know all that,” said Finn, really wishing Kylo would stop talking like he was reciting a textbook. Then again, maybe that was what he always talked like. Their fairly limited interactions had mostly consisted of yelling at each other. “What’s it got to do with me?”

Kylo’s brow knitted and unknitted again. It was obvious why he’d needed the mask. “Given your experience,” he started, then stopped. After a pause, he started again, with all the determination of someone who’d learnt a whole third speech off by heart. “When you were still FN-21-”

“Don’t,” breathed Finn. Not loudly, but he could hear the anger in his own voice, and evidently Kylo could hear it too because he did, in fact, stop.

Finn inhaled through his nose, flattening his palms against the side of his legs. He used to be good at staying calm - he had to be - but lack of practice had made him rusty. And, much like Kylo, the mask had let him get away with not having to hide his expressions. But now… faced with… A series of familiar images flashed through his mind, plucked from nightmare as well as memory. Kylo stalking through First Order stations. Kylo on Jakku. Kylo killing Han. In the forest. On Crait. In the… And the real Kylo standing in front of him, who stood frozen, seemingly waiting for Finn’s reaction. Finn’s chest hurt even looking at him. He really wanted to run. But there was _no_ way he’d give Kylo Ren the satisfaction.

“Handle the issue,” repeated Finn. “Is that why I’ve been transferred here?”

Kylo made a small move that almost made Finn go back on his decision not to run, but it was more a restless tensing than anything else. Probably. “I don’t know exactly,” he said. “But I assume so. You could provide valuable… insight into our -”

“ _Our_ ,” Finn interrupted. “Man, isn’t it great you’re identifying with the good guys now?”

This time, Kylo unmistakably flinched, as if anything Finn said could really hurt him. “I… am.”

Finn wanted to laugh at the inadequacy of this response. His heart gave him a painful jolt. “You don’t get to do that, I’m not the _you_ and you’re not the _our -”_

 _“_ I was - I was including both of us in the _our_ -”

“Yeah, well it’s different now. This is my place. The Resistance is my place. I got here first, so you don’t get to boss me around. You understand?”

Kylo’s lips had parted and he looked at Finn with something approaching confusion. “I wasn’t going to.”

“Good.”

“ _The Resistance,”_ said Kylo pointedly, “doesn’t know what to do with the stormtroopers. Currently they don’t seem to have many ideas beyond killing them. I’m guessing you don’t want that.”

Finn shook his head in disgust. “Because you’ve always had so much compassion for stormtroopers.”

Kylo took a step forward, and from one moment to the next anger cracked through his facade, reminding Finn all too much of that day in the forest. “You don’t know anything about me.”

 _I shouldn’t provoke him_ , Finn thought before provoking him. “I know you were more than happy to throw around his subordinates when it suited you and that you’re cruel and spiteful, and that you murdered your father,” he said, all in a rush, then added for good measure: “That’s all I need to know.”

Kylo’s hand jutted forward just an inch and Finn felt the air tense around him and for a moment he was convinced that his throat was about to cave in, that Kylo would use the Force to bash him to pieces. But the sensation was there and gone again in an instant, the air instantly relaxing again. Kylo stayed frozen, hand withdrawn but body tenser than ever, staring at Finn.

 _Still the monster from the forest_.

Finn wanted to leave right then, wanted to get away from this mess and tell Leia that next time she could work with her deranged son herself. He didn’t want the stormtroopers to be his responsibility, didn’t want to be confronted by this walking reminder of his past. He really, really wished he could leave.

“What is this, exactly?” he asked.

Kylo’s brow furrowed in apparent confusion.

“What is _this_ ,” said Finn with a loose gesture at the both of them, “meant to be? You said General Organa wanted us to speak. About what, how to turn stormtroopers?”

“Essentially.”

“Right,” said Finn, nodding slowly. “So you just want to work together? Just team up, right? Like it was all nothing?”

He hadn’t thought it possible for Kylo to tense up even further. “To do our job, yes. If you feel that’s impossible because of our personal history -”

“That’s what you call it?” said Finn, the words bursting out. “Seriously?” He took a deep breath, hoping Kylo wasn’t aware of just how fast his heart was racing. “And I didn’t say that it’s impossible.I didn’t. But you don’t get to pretend like it never happened.”

“I’m not.”

“Or like we’re cool. Because we’re not. You get that? We are _not_ cool.”

Kylo needed a moment to unclench his teeth before he could answer. “Fine.”

_I refuse to be afraid of you. I won’t be afraid of you. I won’t be afraid. I won’t be -_

“Why would Leia want _me_ to work with _you_?”

Kylo’s jaw clenched right back again. “It makes sense for us to cooperate, given our shared experience of -”

“Our _shared experience_?” hissed Finn. “There is _nothing_ shared about us, we didn’t do anything remotely similar that you could possibly compare -”

“I only meant we were both part of the First -”

“And nothing about that was alike, seeing as you were one of its leaders and then actually leading it, which means you’re responsible for the people slaughtered, for all the families torn apart - hells, you even participated in a fun little massacre the only mission I ever saw you on -”

“We both know what training the stormtroopers went through,” said Kylo in a frustrated tone.

“Really? You _know_ , do you? You know what it was like to live that, to be remoulded the way _they_ wanted you to be?”

“I have some experience in being remoulded, yes.”

Then Finn lost his temper, stepping forward and shoving Kylo back. Tried to, anyway - Kylo retreated barely a step and even then he probably could’ve stooped Finn if he’d wanted to. He looked shocked as he stared down at Finn, who was now way too close.

“You really, _really_ think having a spooky voice in your head compares to the stormtrooper program?”

Kylo’s face contorted. “It’s not a -”

“You had parents. You had everything to keep you in the Light. We never had any of that, we were alone and -”

“I know that -”

“- you had people take care of you and safety and - and I… we never got as much as a doll to hold or a good night kiss or anything and - It’s nothing alike. _Nothing_ ,” said Finn harshly.

The words had barely passed his lips before Finn was struck how truly pathetic they sounded. He had just told Kylo Ren that he’d never had a _doll to hold_. Of all the things -

And yet here he was, resenting all the things Kylo had had that Finn had not. Useless.

He had no way of understanding the look Kylo was giving him, more confused than anything else, and tried to think of what to say to cover his embarrassment.

 _This isn’t going to work_.

He wanted to tell Kylo that he didn’t care. That he could be professional about this. That he _didn’t care_ about how Kylo was a walking, talking reminder of his time in the First Order.

Because he didn’t care.

But he didn’t say anything.

And it was Kylo who once again broke the silence. “I’ll speak to General Organa about our next steps.”

To Finn’s dumbfounded bemusement, Kylo turned around and stalked out of the room, before Finn had the chance to say anything or as much as wave goodbye.

And that was that.

Finn stood in the empty room, staring at where Kylo had been a moment before. After all _that_ , he really wouldn’t have thought _Kylo_ would flee the room.

_Maybe he just got bored._

_Never got as much as a doll to hold. Man, you’re an idiot_.

Finn shook himself before leaving the room a moment later and sighing as he started down the corridor, at which point he almost ran into someone.

“Oh. Sorry. Hey, Jess.”

“Hey,” said Jessika, frowning. “Did I just see -”

“Yeah, you did.”

“What did he want?”

Finn sighed again. “Apparently General Organa wants me to work with him.”

Jessika gave him a horrified look. “Jeez. I’m so sorry. Can’t you…”

“Desert?” muttered Finn.

“I was going to say complain, but desertion might be a good shout too.” Jessika clapped him on the shoulder. “Or just call Rey, maybe she can slice him up for you.” She gave him a sympathetic smile as she continued in the other direction.

“Good idea,” Finn called after her, and went to find himself a drink. Or maybe three.

Hadn’t he wanted to get food?

* * *

He had a few rotations to avoid fallout. Kylo had seemingly vanished into thin air once more, not that Finn was complaining. The first transmission he got was, only a little surprisingly, from Poe. Jessika had already been in touch with Poe because apparently nothing could be kept remotely quiet among pilots. So that became a whole thing. And whenever he was asked about what Kylo had wanted, he shrugged and said he didn’t really know, which was basically the truth. The looks he got in response told an entire story, and it was evident that many in the Resistance weren’t about to give up their suspicions any time soon.

And Finn waited for a follow-up. A week passed. Then two. This was important Resistance business, right? Why wasn’t anyone telling him off? Or at least letting him know what the ‘next steps’ were?

Why was he feeling guilty about this?

When Leia finally got in touch, she seemed apologetic more than anything else, telling him he didn’t have to work with _Ben_ if he didn’t feel up to it.

And dumbly, stupidly, Finn replied. _I’ll work with him if it helps the stormtroopers_.

Now he just had to wait for a new mission.

* * *

A few rotations later and still no mission. But he did get a package delivered to his bunk by an unhelpful droid. It was small and thin, with something small and white lodged under the string that held the cloth covering in place. He took it out first, and saw writing on it - not the normal print, but what looked like it might be written by hand. Odd.

He squinted at the note for a moment before deciphering the words.

_Saw this at a flea market. Thought you might like it._

At a…

Finn sat back on his bed and tugged at the string. The package unfolded in his lap, the cloth covering falling back to reveal the little thing lying within.

A small doll of a Rebellion pilot, complete with the helmet. Bright orange and white and looking more than a little worn. It wasn’t much bigger than Finn’s hand and almost disappeared in the folds of cloth.

Finn stared at it, taking a very long moment to put two and two together.

Oh.

The first thought that crossed his mind was whether this was supposed some kind of cruel joke. Some way to taunt him for his lost childhood, maybe. But… why would Kylo bother? It was a weak taunt at best.

Finn reached out and picked up the small, limp thing. It was very soft, including clothes and helmet. He ran his other hand over the doll, feeling the textures of the distinct components of the doll. However worn it was, it had clearly been made with care.

A second possibility came to him, in many ways more disturbing. Perhaps, just maybe, this was Kylo trying to be kind, by giving Finn something he had never had. Or even an offering of peace, of some sort. Because apparently, they were going to have to work together.

Which was it? What if Finn accepted this gift and made a fool of himself? What hope could a doll possibly have of making up for everything he had gone through? What if Kylo had some way of using it against him?

Finn looked down at the doll in his hands again - the frayed, small thing, orange and brown and white, its body squishing under his fingers - and knew it made no difference, not right now. He hugged the tiny thing close to him, feeling pathetic as he pressed it against his chest. A tear rolled down his cheek and he pressed his eyes shut.


End file.
